According to the Prophecy
by Seal of Darkness
Summary: A collection of humorous Harry Potter 1-shots. Pissed off charms master and determined-to-annoy Boy-Who-Lived...
1. Chapter 1

**This might be a one-shot, or it might turn into a collection of unusual ideas. **

**Not all of it is funny…Most of it is crazy.**

**Disclaimer: Gnihton nwo i.**

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The doors to the potions classroom slammed open and a dark, imposing figure stalked into the classroom. As soon as Professor Snape made it halfway across the room, he heard a strange sound emanating from a student sitting in the front.

"Na na Na na Na na…"

Snape glared and walked to the front, when he stopped to face the class, he heard it again.

"Na na Na na Na na…"

"Mr. Potter, is there any particular reason _why_ you're doing that?"

Harry shook his head innocently.

Snape deducted ten house points and turned around to fill the board with instructions, as soon as he did, he regretted it.

"Na na Na na Na na…"

Somewhere in the world, a kitten died. Snape turned around ferociously, a vein popping out of his head. "Cease this nonsense at once, Potter! Detention!"

"Na na Na na Na na…BATMAN!" Harry shouted, jumping out of his chair and shaking his hands in the air before sitting down calmly and staring at the dark, looming, predatory figure in front of him.

* * *

The cashier bagged Harry's purchases and asked him how he was going to pay.

Harry smiled quickly and pulled out a deck of chocolate frog cards, "Do you take sensual massages?"

Hermione elbowed him in the ribs and the muggle cashier fainted. Harry shrugged, "What? It's not like you got any money either Hermione." He picked up the bag and they walked out of the store.

* * *

Harry was happy. He had managed to convince Aunt Petunia to take him and Dudley to the nearest Wendy's fast food restaurant. So, when the cashier asked what he wanted, he told her in his most enthusiastic voice, "Lemmi get…"

After waiting nearly five minutes for the boy to continue, the cashier frowned and gave Petunia a look, and then kindly prompted the 8 year old, "What would you like?"

Harry looked saddened for a moment, and then his smile quickly returned, "Yeah, lemmi get…"

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting at the Gryffindor table conversing in whispers as best they could with the other students yelling over each other and across tables. Hermione glared at the girls that were obviously straining to hear their conversation.

"Mind your own business; can't you see we're having a private conversation here?"

The girl sniffed indignantly, "This _is_ the great hall. If you wanted to talk about secrets you should have gone somewhere else."

Later on…

Harry and Ron were trying to figure out who could have opened the Chamber of Secrets and let loose the Basilisk, when they noticed Draco Malfoy eavesdropping.

"Bugger off," Ron growled, waving his wand at the Slytherin boy, who sneered, shot them an insult and swaggered off.

The next day, Hermione confronted them both in the common room. "I think I've found a solution to our little problem," she said, sitting down by Ron and Harry, who were currently engaged in a game of chess.

"You've figured out who opened the Chamber already? Hermione, I knew you were a genius, but…" Ron trailed off in awe and wonder.

"We need to learn a foreign language," Hermione replied happily ignoring Ron and flipping open the book to get fired up for an enthusiastic learning session.

Ron groaned, "A new language? Why?"

"Because I'm tired of our 'secret' conversations somehow becoming school gossip," Harry crossed his arms with a disturbed frown on his face.

"Fine," Ron conceded with a roll of his eyes and a quick complaint about studying.

After a few weeks of intensive practice, they had the new language down and were utilizing it in a very efficient manner. Ron, Harry, and Hermione were sitting through Professor Binn's history class, bored out of their minds.

Hermione was pretending to study something else, Ron was pretending to sleep, and Harry was pretending to daydream, when a sudden idea occurred to him.

Getting excited, Harry whispered to Hermione quickly, "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

Hermione gasped at the audacity of such a suggestion and replied, "Bip Bip Beeeep Bip Beeeep Beeeep Bip! Harry, Bip Beeeep Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep." The bushy haired girl scowled and crossed her arms.

Ron was jostled awake and said, "Bip?"

Harry quickly filled him in, "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep."

Lavender Brown tapped Harry on the shoulder from behind and whispered, "What the heck are you doing making noises like that?"

Harry raised an eyebrow and looked to Ron, who in turn looked at Hermione. "It's morse code, and if you'll excuse us, this conversation is private."

Hermione turned to Harry and gestured to Lavender, making a face, "Bip Bip Bip Beeeep."

"I know, right?" Harry said, shaking his head at the audacity, "Beeeep Bip Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep."

Later on, when they passed by Luna Lovegood, a first year Ravenclaw, they were surprised when she stopped them and asked, "Bip Beeeep?" Ron pointed down the hallway and replied in an astonished tone, "Down the hall and to the left…"

Luna smiled and thanked him, "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep."

"No problem," Ron, Hermione and Harry all stared after the strange girl. They later held a special ceremony to induct her into their little group.

And so, for the rest of their Hogwarts education, they were free of eavesdroppers because everyone thought they were crazy. The End.

* * *

One day, a seven year old Dudley was teasing a six year old Harry in the park.

"Freak has the cooties, freak has the cooties, freak has the cooties," Dudley sang as he circled Harry, prodding the poor boy with a small tree branch. Dudley accidentally prodded Harry in the eye, and the boy screamed, clawing at his face.

Dudley panicked as he watched Harry fall to the ground and claw at his eyes, and he bent down to see what he could do. Suddenly, Harry calmed and faced Dudley, who screamed his lungs out at the sight of his cousin's missing eye. The older boy ran back home to tell his mother.

Petunia had bickered with Vernon about using their health insurance to get the boy a glass eye instead of throwing a black eye patch over it.

Eventually, after lots of prodding and convincing, Harry went to the doctor and received his very first birthday present from the evil muggle relatives; a glass eye.

Five years later, Hagrid came, busting down the door to the Dursley hideout. Harry stared at the giant in wonder. The man wore a large leather trench coat and had a huge mane of unruly hair.

After Hagrid had officially met the Dursleys, he started talking to Harry, "Of course, you'd know all about Hogwarts."

"Uh…no?" Harry said uncertainly.

"I knew yeh weren't getting yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"

Harry wondered at the man's speech. "Learned what?"

"What?! About our world, yer world, yer parent's world!" Hagrid nearly shouted.

"Well, I did have a sneaking suspicion about it all," Harry said, shooting a glare at the Dursleys, who cowered unnecessarily.

Hagrid looked slightly relieved, "Good, at least yeh know what yeh are."

"Yep, I'm a pirate," Harry said proudly, "I knew I was a pirate, but every time I confronted them about it, Aunt Petunia told me there was no such thing as pirates, ghosts, and buried treasure. But now, I have the genuine article in front of me." Harry gestured to Hagrid happily.

Hagrid stared at Harry in disbelief.

* * *

Harry chose an empty compartment on the train and seated himself closest to the window. Soon enough, a redheaded boy opened the door and asked, "Everywhere else is full, d'you mind if I sit here?"

Harry smiled and replied, "That's what YOU think." The redheaded boy frowned and closed the door, moving on and away from the strange boy. A moment later, a bushy haired girl opened the compartment door rudely, "Have you seen a toad anywhere? A boy named Neville has lost one."

Harry was now getting annoyed at the interruptions. He shrugged and said quietly, "That's what YOU think." The girl shot him a look of confusion before moving on. Harry, once he had a moment to himself, cackled evilly and started reading the Quibbler, a funny magazine that they had been handing out in free copies on the platform.

Then, a blonde boy opened the door, followed by two goons. "New to Hogwarts this year? I'm Draco Malfoy," the blonde said, extending a hand. Harry set down his magazine and took the hand to examine it.

The blonde had a look of horror upon his face as Harry started poking and prodding his hand. "It's clean," Harry nodded, as if satisfied that the hand was physically fit and ready for shaking.

"Are you blimey?" Malfoy asked in disbelief.

"That's what YOU think," Harry responded with a smirk. Draco and his two goons quickly escaped the compartment. Harry shook his head in amazement and thought, _It really does work! Saying, "That's what YOU think," to get people to stop bothering you! This magazine is brilliant!_

* * *

Harry was running late to his divination class, so he jogged as fast as he could up the stairs. Divination was not a course that he was particularly fond of, especially since no matter how bogus of an answer he gave to Professor Trelewany, he always got berated for lacking an inner eye. He figured it was her way of saying, "Stop bull shitting me and read the text!"

He caught Luna Lovegood out of the corner of his eye wearing a bicycle helmet on his way to class. He stopped the girl and asked, "Why are you wearing that?"

Luna brightened and replied, "It's part of my astronaut training. Father says it's very important to be prepared with the right equipment at all times! You never know what might happen."

"Mind if I borrow that for Divination class?" Harry asked quickly.

Luna looked decidedly uneasy, but nodded, "Sure." She handed the helmet over to Harry, who began to run off. "Take good care of it, and have it back to me by lunch," she shouted back.

Harry fastened the bicycle helmet onto his head and sat down in class. The rest of the students looked at him like he was insane. Ron leaned over and whispered, "Mate, you've got something on your head…"

"I know," Harry whispered just before Trelewany began to berate him for coming late.

"Alas," she began in an almost simpering, wispy voice, "I had predicted your tardiness Mr. Potter." Then she stopped gliding over to him and asked, "What is that on your head?"

Harry quoted Luna, "It's part of my astronaut training. They say it's very important to be prepared with the right equipment at all times! You never know what might happen."

Trelewany sniffed indignantly for a moment and said loudly, "My students, you are witnessing a prodigy in the area of Divination!" Then, looking directly at Harry, she said ominously, "Your aura shows clearly that your inner eye has begun to awaken!"

"Well," Harry replied with a grin, "the inner eye is supposed to be dormant, and activate after the bearer's 16th birthday, according to the prophecy."

"The prophecy never lies," Trelewany agreed quickly to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

"Yes, and for the rest of the semester, I will not have to show up at all, or take any of the tests, or do any assignments, and you will still give me an O," Harry said, then added as an afterthought, "according to the prophecy."

Trelewany nodded gravely, "Yes that is what the prophecy deems true."

Ron cornered Harry after class and asked, "How'd you do that? She's giving you an O, and you never have to show up again. Do you really have an aura from the inner eye? I thought that was all rubbish…"

"Ron, calm down and take a breath or two," Harry laughed. "Luna helped me figure something out. The key to success in divination is to be completely random and nonsensical…it also helps if you end every sentence with, 'according to the prophecy'. Trust me, she'll eat that up."

* * *

Harry and Cho arrived in Hogsmeade for their date, and they decided to go out to a nice restaurant. Harry and Cho stood in line through an awkward silence as they waited to reach the server.

"How many to be seated," the young wizard asked, already pulling out two menus.

Harry held up a finger and said, "Just one please." Cho gasped at Harry and looked ready to slap him, but he moved forward before she could follow through and asked, "Are those lemon drops?"

By this time, the waiter was extremely concerned. He nodded and said slowly, "Yes…"

"That's good, thank you," Harry said, digging in to the complementary lemon drops. Neither Cho, nor the waiter knew how to respond. No one had ever declined to be seated in order to stand at the podium while eating the complimentary lemon drops.

"Ummm…Harry, I don't think this is going to work out between us," Cho said slowly, as if to a mentally challenged child.

Harry threw a wrapper into a nearby bin and said, "Oh thank Merlin you said it first. I would have felt so unbelievably awkward saying it myself. Not to mention, it would have made me look like a total douche bag." With that, Harry left Cho at the restaurant to find a nice cold butterbeer and hang out with his friends.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed the irony and sarcastic humor**. **I'm going to keep this open, just in case I have any more unusual ideas...**


	2. He may be short, but he packs a punch

"It would seem that Mr. Potter has inherited his father's aptitude with a broom. I request that he be placed on the Slytherin quidditch team, with your permission, of course, Headmaster," Snape said tightly.

Minerva was shocked. "My ears, are they playing tricks on me? Did I just hear you-"

"Yes," Snape said with grounded teeth, keeping his gaze on the headmaster.

"I'll check him for the Imperius," Flitwick said quickly, pulling out his wand instantly.

"Wait, what?" Snape said, quickly pulling out his own wand and glowering darkly at the small man, "Don't even _think_ about it, you little midget."

"Midget?!" Flitwick shouted in outrage, "I am NOT a midget!" He waved his wand threateningly at Snape, "What have I told you about calling me that, young man?!"

Snape looked down at Flitwick smugly, "Midget."

"No, I'm not! I'm short, that doesn't –"

"Yes, it does. You are a midget," Snape persisted.

The diminutive teacher's face glowed with crimson fury, "You've just pissed off the wrong charm's master…" he said threateningly. Before Snape could throw up a hasty shield, he flew off his feet and went careening into the wall.

Dumbledore stood up with a smile on his face, "It's amazing how far you can stretch a cushioning charm, wouldn't you agree Minerva?"

Minerva nodded her head, speechless and shocked.

"Now," Dumbledore said while helping Snape to a chair and snatching Flitwick's wand out of his hand, "let's get to order, shall we?"


End file.
